So let’s take stock of what we’ve learned thus far about: the trumpet. Not much. I have to confess, I’ve been rather focused on holiday everything, to the detriment of making progress towards the latest goal. Guess I have to re-establish a routine that includes study time for the trumpet – and collecting opinions about the greatest pieces. I think what I’ll do is come up with a list of, say 40 pieces – and then ask my resources to put them in order of best to .. to not best. That might be easier than asking them to come up with an original list.
OK, that said and out of the way, let’s talk about dreams. I’ve been writing mine down for weeks, and I think they say a lot about the current state of my mind. There’s a battle going on between the two sides of my brain, as reflected in the subject matter of these dreams. On the one hand, I’m trying to go back to work – the left side of my brain. Other dreams indicate I’m trying to develop a greater empathy for others, the right/creative side of my brain. The left side is winning the battle right now, which leaves me saddened and a little guilty each morning when I wake up.
My conscious mind has no desire to go back to work. We have sufficient funds to get by without a paycheck, and going back to work just means dealing with .. with difficult people. It’s never been the work itself that was the problem. It was dealing with sex and others’ perceptions that have always been my nemeses.
In the workplace, from both nature and nurture, I am a dude in a zaftig woman’s body. That disconnect between appearance and behavior was always a problem, resulting in expectations I couldn’t – or wouldn’t – fulfill. Men would hit on me, as they assumed my shape indicated sexual availability. Women superiors initially assumed I was incompetent because of my shape. Then when they found out I wasn’t, that just made the disconnect worse. There were only a few exceptions to that, and they were either very secure or gay. I think that says a lot.
So not working – well, working at home by being a writer – gets rid of all that. I think I’m content, but my dreams say otherwise. Maybe – in my subconscious – I’m trying to fix the problem that could never be fixed.
So maybe that’s the topic for discussion tomorrow with the therapist. We’ll be back at it after a six week or so hiatus. I am interested in her perspective on this, so maybe I’ll send her a link to this blog, and my “dream sheet” to see what she thinks. So here’s to you, Elaine – looking forward to our resuming the work tomorrow.
That’s it for today – adieu.