Lizzy, You were Right

Elizabeth Keubler Ross described the five stages a person going through in dealing with the death of a loved one. I am going through those stages now in dealing with the near-death of this country.

Next week’s Cover for the New Yorker magazine

Yesterday, I was in denial, so I found humor in Viking dude’s appearance – inside the capital building, wreaking mayhem with the rest of his unwashed mass insurrectionists (the UMI’s). Now I’m moving smartly on to anger. Yeah, baby, I am angry. Not at Trump – he’s toast. I’m angry at the likes of Josh Hawley, Ted Cruz, Louie Gohmert, Brian Mast (because he’s our Congressman) and that capital policeman who opened the door to the UMIs. I spit on all of you. So I’ll write this, and then maybe I can move on to depression.

Here’s what he said yesterday in his ‘concession’ speech:

I’d like to begin by addressing the heinous attack on the United States Capitol. Like all Americans, I am outraged by the violence, lawlessness and mayhem. Why are you outraged? You fostered it

I immediately deployed the National Guard and the federal law enforcement to secure the building and expel the intruders. America is and must always be a nation of law and order. That’s a lie. It took hours for the National Guard to arrive, and it was too late by the time they did.

The demonstrators who infiltrated the capitol have defiled the seat of American democracy. To those who¬†engaged in the acts of violence and destruction, you do not represent our country. Really? Yes, I think they do represent your Ruined America. And there was no ‘infiltration’. They blasted through broken windows, with a woman dying in the process. You craven coward with your squirrel words.

And to those who broke the law, you will pay. We have just been through an intense election, and the emotions are high. But now¬†tempers must be cooled and calm restored. Who the hell wrote this paragraph? I think he riffed line two and maybe three. How do I know? The speechwriter who wrote this would never have put these three disparate notions into one paragraph. Doesn’t fit with the mold.

We must get on with the business of America. My campaign vigorously pursued every legal avenue to contest the election results. And some illegal ones, like trying to intimidate the Georgia Secretary of State into ‘finding’ over eleven thousand votes. Gimme a break.

My only goal was to ensure the integrity of the vote. In so doing, I was fighting to defend American Democracy. I continue to strongly believe that we must reform our election laws to verify the identity and the eligibility of all voters and to ensure faith and confidence in all future elections. Now Congress has certified the results. This is the bullshit paragraph. You were doing exactly the opposite. The integrity of the votes? Yeah, the ones for you. Defend American Democracy? By stealing an election? Reform election laws so you can win every time. Now Congress has certified the results – with the exception of those Senators and Congressman who voted against doing so. A pox on their house – oh, wait! There’s already a pox on all their houses (cue Viking dude).

And a new administration will be inaugurated on January 20. Put there by our black and brown voters from Philadelphia, Atlanta, and Phoenix. We owe you all a huge debt of gratitude for showing up. My own state succumbed to Trumpism. Aargh.

My focus now turns to ensuring a smooth, orderly and seamless transition of power. This moment calls for healing and reconciliation. 2020 has been a challenging time for our people. Your focus now turns to saving your own skin between now and the 20th. Gonna pardon yourself for any and all crimes committed during your four years? Sure, why not?

A menacing pandemic has upended the lives of our citizens, isolated millions in their homes, damaged our economy and claimed countless lives. Defeating this pandemic and rebuilding the greatest economy on earth will require all of us working together. Oh, Donald, please don’t pretend you even care, and for God’s sake, don’t help. You’ve helped enough.

It will require a renewed emphasis on the civic values of patriotism, faith, charity, community and family. We must revitalize the sacred bonds of love and loyalty that bind us together as one national family. Wow. Remember, you just sicc’d Viking dude on Congress? I know you’re reading this off a teleprompter, but I’ll bet your nose grew at least a millimeter when you read these lines.

To the citizens of our country, serving as your president has been the honor of my lifetime. And to all of my wonderful supporters, I know you are disappointed, but I also want you to know that our incredible journey is only just beginning. And he’s baaacckk. Your incredible reign of terror is not beginning, it’s ending. Good riddance. Gbye.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America. God has damned America because over 70 million of us support this guy. Damn all of you. Yes I said it: damn all of you for being gullible enough to fall for this guy’s goddamned bullshit. You all see yourselves as good Christians and upright citizens. You are silly, white, members of a cult..a cult of personality so obviously corrupt and evil that even a 7 year old knows that. My Kiernan told me so..

So if paragraph 6 comes true, and Viking dude has to go to jail, I’d prefer his punishment instead to being forced to watch Donald give this speech over and over again. Think of it as deprogramming. It was used successfully in the 60’s when kids joined the Krishnas or the Moonies. Maybe it’ll work this time and Viking dude will lay down his horns and get a job serving lutefisk at Ingebretsen’s Nordic Marketplace in Minneapolis – get it – Viking? OK, a little humor never hurts, at the end of a rant. Right?

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